Post by James on Aug 15, 2008 5:27:12 GMT -7
Muggle psych wards and morgues alike are packed to the rafters today, writes Muggle Correspondent Mike Amor.
Those peculiar Muggles are at it again! A dramatic increase in attempted muggle suicides, particularly in teenagers and young adults, has been enough to catch the attention of wizarding authorities.
This unfortunate and unexpected spike leaves non-wizarding hospitals unable to accommodate for all of their citizens on suicide watch, and is forcing morticians around the country to work extra shifts and not make it home in time to watch their televisions.
On the flip side, flower and card sales have recovered from a typical no-holidays-August slump.
Ministry representative Barry Horner is unable to identify exactly what provoked the tragedy, but insists that he will continue to investigate.
"There wouldn't be such a problem if these Muggles knew how to properly off themselves!" Horner was quoted as saying. "Then they'd all be dead. And they take up a lot less space in hospitals when they are dead."
Wizards with muggle relatives have been cautioned to keep a close eye on their loved ones while investigations continue.
Those peculiar Muggles are at it again! A dramatic increase in attempted muggle suicides, particularly in teenagers and young adults, has been enough to catch the attention of wizarding authorities.
This unfortunate and unexpected spike leaves non-wizarding hospitals unable to accommodate for all of their citizens on suicide watch, and is forcing morticians around the country to work extra shifts and not make it home in time to watch their televisions.
On the flip side, flower and card sales have recovered from a typical no-holidays-August slump.
Ministry representative Barry Horner is unable to identify exactly what provoked the tragedy, but insists that he will continue to investigate.
"There wouldn't be such a problem if these Muggles knew how to properly off themselves!" Horner was quoted as saying. "Then they'd all be dead. And they take up a lot less space in hospitals when they are dead."
Wizards with muggle relatives have been cautioned to keep a close eye on their loved ones while investigations continue.
