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Post by lucychiang on Feb 2, 2008 8:26:13 GMT -7
(written in English)
2nd February 2008
I'm Lucy Anabel Chiang and in common with a lot of other people I've got a lot of problems.
I barely made it back to school needing a lot of therapy after the war ended.
I can see the faces of my former tormentors every day in the great hall and they sit laughing at the Slytherin table as if last year never happened.
At the same time I can't forget what they did to my friends and myself. My brothers in a wheelchair because of Death Eaters and my dad nearly died during the battle as well.
I just want to draw my wand and cast the killing and crucio curses on them. I'm angry enough to do it as well and get revenge for what those closest to me went through.
Lucinda Mason never came back this year and she suffered worse than I did. Like myself she was this innocent first year Hufflepuff. She was tormented into insanity over the year and when I seen her she couldn't even remember me and barely remembers her name.
Is that whats going to happen to me? Not before I gain vengence I hope...
(( tear stains have blotched the ink slightly as well ))
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Post by lucychiang on Feb 13, 2008 2:15:38 GMT -7
(written in a shaky hand )
13th February
I couldn't face classes today so I write this from the table in the first years dorm.
Do people think I'm crazy? I'm not sure if I'll end up like Lucinda but I don't want to be living in St Mungo's.
I broke down in my last counseling session and Nurse Johnston had to give a potion to put me to sleep.
Last night I had the nightmares again but I was grown up in them this time and having to face them again in London. I still couldn't see their faces but fled in a owls form.
Is that a possible way out? I don't know but I really wonder if I'd be better of dead rather than having to to live a messed up life like this. Death looks like a good option right now.
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Post by lucychiang on Feb 16, 2008 15:59:37 GMT -7
16th February
Nurse Johnson is going to be my counsellor for a while but I'll be seeing Miss Smallbone during the Easter holidays as well.
My owl dream got me thinking although and I'll try and achieve the animagi skill. I want to live normally again but how can I when my relapses keep hauling me back two steps everytime I take one forward.
Sleep is scarce and troubled when I get it. What future will I have? Right now I don't know.
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Post by lucychiang on Apr 21, 2008 7:14:32 GMT -7
21st April
Easter has come and gone and I was barely allowed back to school by Miss Smallbone.
Why am I still going backwards although? My confidence is eroding and most of the time I only feel like i'm a few inches tall and afraid.
I can't even summon a broom my confidence is that low. The only way of coping with this is through work and studying the animagi skill.
I need a way out...
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Post by lucychiang on May 4, 2008 6:15:11 GMT -7
(undated entry)
I need to get away and now I know a secret passage I can. I'll end up in Hogsmeade and then I'll see what happens after that.
I doubt I'll be missed for a while and my brother dosen't know I'm planning this trip. I may not return to the school and I've enough money to travel on the Knight bus for one trip.
Perhaps home but I'm a burden to everybody right now. Where will I go? I don't know. Perhaps death would be a way out.
((events are continued in the hospital wing))
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Post by lucychiang on Jul 25, 2008 4:32:19 GMT -7
20th July The healers have given me my diary hoping it'll help the recovery process. How I'm not too sure.
I'm back in St Mungo's and under suicide watch as well as 24/7 care. It was my choice but I feel its the only way to recover in time for the new school year.
Despite the horrific nightmares and memories I feel I'm making progress but theres something the healers aren't telling me.
22nd July
My aunt Lian called in wearing black and looking tearful. Then I found out why.
I can't help but remember the way my parents felt during the last visit. They were concerned but they had a lot of love and hope for me which made me try harder. Now they're gone and all I have is my aunt Lian and my brother.
My aunt says she won't let us go into an orphanage and that Michael's in a coma in another part of St Mungo's. Jai is also there but will they let me out to see them?
I still have a hard time taking this in but its really happened and If I want to get back to school I'll have to be a stronger person and deal with their loss if I'm to amount to anything more than a long term resident here.
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Post by lucychiang on Aug 5, 2008 2:06:10 GMT -7
Date unknown, time unknown
Right now I've lost track of time but I've heard that Michael is awake and in St Mungos along with Jai.
So far he hasn't got to see me yet but knowing he's still around gives me hope.
My Aunt is a regular visitor since the funeral services have been carried out and all. They were buried in the Otterty St Catchpole churchyard in a plot near the other wizarding families. Aunt Lian hasn't returned to work yet and seems to be a broken up as ever.
I've had to comfort her and in turn we help each other but I feel like I'm changing personality. What it will emerge as I'm not sure yet but I know I won't let boys touch me ever again. I freaked out when a male nurse tried to help me after I fell.
Yet as broken up as I feel now I also feel stronger simply because I have to be if I want to return to school. The horrific memories still hurt but not as much as they used to now I can understand and deal with them. I'm even starting to handle the nightmares better.
Could I return to a school and face the Slytherin's again? I'll have to even if it means coming back as a colder person. If I can't deal with the vengence issues I'll be back where I started again so is it better to look at it as an old life and a new Lucy arise from the ashes of that life?
That looks like the best option especially since I can't deal with it any other way.
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Post by lucychiang on Aug 7, 2008 2:27:51 GMT -7
My aunt called again this time with my brother. Once I'm out of here we'll be a family again living in her London flat until Hogwarts restarts.
Aunt Lian will probally change jobs to have more set working hours and to be closer to home but only when the dust settles can we even contemplate the Devon home we had. Living there again would make more sense since its been adapted for Michael's needs but right now we'll be living in London again.
Things will take shape over time and the future can unfold by itself. It looks like we're going to have to fight again a bare year after Voldemort's demise but we'll both be ready. We have to be otherwise the battle of Hogwarts might never have happened.
I've been told I'm making progress and if it keeps up I'll be back in school again. Emily will be there at least and I can talk with her if I need help.
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Post by lucychiang on Aug 9, 2008 10:16:30 GMT -7
9th August
Today my Hogwarts letter arrived so I'll be able to go back to school for sure. However since I can't leave here yet aunt Lian will have to get my books for 2nd year. I doubt I've grown that much in a year so my robes and most uniform items should still fit.
This gives me hope and I really do feel stronger now I've something to look forward to. Even if some of my abusers are still there. Someday they'll pay at my hand if I ever remember who they were. Why my mind blanked this out I don't know but all I see in my dreams is very fuzzy boys faces. Perhaps its something to ask Miss Smallbone.
I do hope I can get out before school does start. I'd like to see Diagon Alley and my parents graves so I can goodbye to them properly.
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Post by lucychiang on Aug 11, 2008 15:31:30 GMT -7
11th August
I've been told by Miss Smallbone that Michael's gone home and if I keep up the progress I'll be able to leave as well. I could see she still think's I'll freak out round boys even if she's not saying it.
Even if I know not all of them hurt me none of of them are ever going to get that close to me. Never again will a boy touch me and get away with it and you don't need magic to hurt them.
I'm just hoping they learn the lesson quickly to make school easier to handle even if they thought I was cute last year. I can just about tolerate being round them as things stand even in the hospital.
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Post by lucychiang on Aug 14, 2008 14:11:44 GMT -7
12th August
I've been told I can go home and my aunt will collect me this afternoon. Ziyi looks like she's glad to get out of here as well and I swear she sometimes understands what people are saying.
It does mean I'll have a lot to do in a hurry and I want to face the world again even although I will get hurt again sooner or later. We all get hurt and its something you can't avoid but you can either carry on living or hideaway and die slowly.
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Post by lucychiang on Aug 30, 2008 14:13:24 GMT -7
29th August
We're back in Aunt Lian's flat as I write this. School packing is complete and now all I have to is decide what to put in my magic day bag.
After my release from St Mungo's I came here and then had to get my school things in a hurry.
While I was up at Crennents quidditch store I ran into Delilah and James. They were getting their first brooms and basic quidditch supplies in. Delilah knows I had a rough summer but she dosen't know how rough yet.
Can I tell her? I probally will eventually and I can't have Michael always having to be the strong one all the time. He's lost innocence as well since he grew up a lot quicker than he should have. I lost mine because of what those Slytherin boys did but now I can face them with more confidence.
I really like Delilah a lot and James although a boy is cute. I don't see him staying single for very long but I won't be the one claiming him.
My future lies with a girl if theres one I can love. My feelings have to go somewhere and bottling them up is impossible.
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Post by lucychiang on Aug 31, 2008 10:15:46 GMT -7
1st September
I watched the sunrise before I wrote this being unable to sleep much. At 11am we start heading back to Hogwarts and this time I'll have everything I need packed away.
Heading back to where I can play quidditch is what kept me going all summer assuming we even have a quidditch cup this year. I won't know if there will be one for a bit even after we get to school.
If we do we'll be in with the Gryffs and that means the possibility of playing with Michael assuming he can fly well enough to play. He'll be rusty as well having a flying break because of the secrecy laws.
Michael and my Aunt are still asleep but I'm going to get ready and make breakfast. I feel this will be a good year.
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Post by lucychiang on Sept 3, 2008 5:50:46 GMT -7
2nd September 2009
It honestly feels like I've never been away from here. The newest badgers are still finding their way around and they remind me of how excited I was the year before I came here.
Hogwarts was a dream filled with shiny castle spires, my father and brothers tales and of course the Quidditch cup. Things have changed so much in two years.
When I was one of those first years it was a time the whole wizarding world was afraid for different reasons. The dream quickly turned to ashes and we were plunged into a reign of terror.
These new first years have a lot more normality but the war is still on. My father knew this and Michael still has his battles to fight.
Flying practice is still informal since squads still need to be formed but I look forward to flying with James and Delilah. We'll have time to get rid of the rustiness before team tryouts start which is a good thing.
A lot of the things in my trunk remind me of my late parents but I have to hold onto the good memories. They were brave people who looked after us in a dark time and now Michael and myself have to uphold and carry on the family name.
Can I do this? I hope so in memory of them.
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Post by lucychiang on Sept 5, 2008 15:00:44 GMT -7
5th September 2008
I'm getting back into flying again and the early bird really does get the worm. Flying before breakfast is really the only time I get since I've got boys checking me out most of the day anyway.
I can't even escape them in the library.
Anyway while flying two days ago I met this girl called Olive. I know she's a Raven and needs leg braces and canes to walk but thats all I know about her for sure. I got talking to her when she was crying and then I punched another Raven who tripped her up.
It was that creep Finch and thankfully I don't have many classes with him. He fled sporting a bloodied nose but Olive just kept retreating away from me. I don't mean her harm but I don't think she understood that.
There may be other chances to show her I meant what I said to her but its her choice if she wants help. For now I've got to stay on top of my school work and homeworks so I can get quality training time on my broom. Even if all the watching boys do is check out my rack. I know I'm not a freak but most girls don't develop this early.
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